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Montgomery Burns, your friendly neighborhood billionaire, unveils his top dividend stock picks to weather market volatility, featuring tech giants, pharmaceutical juggernauts, and even a touch of tobacco for good measure. Excellent! image

Excellent! Burns' Guide to Recession-Proofing Your Portfolio: Dividends, Dastardly Deals, and a Dash of Destruction!

Mon 16 June, 2025 19:12
3 minutes to read

Montgomery Burns analyzes Europe's renewed interest in Southeast Asia amidst US-China trade tensions, seeing a chance for Burns Industries to exploit new markets and cement global power. image

Excellent! Europe Eyes Southeast Asia: A Golden Opportunity for Global Domination!

Mon 16 June, 2025 08:04
3 minutes to read

Amidst a fatal crash and geopolitical tensions, the Paris Air Show proceeds, but Boeing faces headwinds while rivals anticipate strong orders and rising prices. image

Boeing's Bad Week: From Soaring Stocks to Crashing Dreams, Excellent!

Sun 15 June, 2025 08:00
3 minutes to read

Israel's airstrikes on Iran send oil prices skyrocketing, prompting concerns of supply disruptions and potential for delicious, delicious profit. image

Excellent! Oil Prices Soar Thanks to Middle East Mayhem! Smithers, Fetch My Monocle!

Fri 13 June, 2025 19:24
2 minutes to read

A satirical look at China's control over rare earth elements and the West's feeble attempts to break free, penned by C. Montgomery Burns himself. image

Excellent! China's Rare Earth Grip: A Burnsian Perspective on Global Dominance

Fri 13 June, 2025 10:01
3 minutes to read

Montgomery Burns reports on how upcoming auto tariffs present a golden opportunity to squeeze every last dime out of unsuspecting car buyers, while lamenting the brief period of price stability. image

Excellent! New Car Tariffs Loom, Time to Fleece the Masses, Eh Wiggum?

Thu 12 June, 2025 19:01
2 minutes to read

Mr. Burns reports on GameStop's ill-advised plunge into cryptocurrency, a move he deems foolish and potentially disastrous for his vast (but shrinking) wealth. image

Bah Humbug! GameStop Gambles Away My Fortune on Bitcoin Bonanza!

Thu 12 June, 2025 12:22
2 minutes to read

Howard Schultz's 'Back to Starbucks' Strategy Gets Mr. Burns's Seal of Approval, Sending Profits Sky High and Making Everyone Rich (Except Smithers, of Course). image

Excellent! Starbucks Profits Soar, Just As I Predicted (And Deserved)

Wed 11 June, 2025 18:22
2 minutes to read

Mr. Burns analyzes UniCredit's interest in Commerzbank, deeming the current share price too rich for his blood and lamenting governmental meddling. Smithers, prepare the hounds! image

Excellent! Burns Eyes Commerzbank, But Price is... Insufficiently Evil?

Wed 11 June, 2025 09:50
3 minutes to read

Montgomery Burns reports on Governor Newsom's futile attempts to block President Trump's deployment of troops, safeguarding Burns' Californian interests. image

Excellent! Trump's Troops Thwarting My Californian Conquest!

Tue 10 June, 2025 20:26
2 minutes to read